The Seafair sprint triathlon holds a special place in my heart because it’s the only race where I’ve consistently been not too sucky. I thought I’d recap my experience racing Seafair in 2008, 2009, and 2010. It’s a crowded sprint, but I always have fun doing it and will probably keep racing it for years to come. 2008: Is That Soggy Meat?! 2008 was my first year training for triathlons. I sucked it up royally in my first triathlon, the Issaquah sprint, and also did pretty sucktacular that year at the New Balance Victoria half Ironman (I should put up belated race reports for...

A couple weekends ago, Jason, his dad and I drove to Wenatchee to do a long ride through the hot and formidable canyons. We only managed to do about 50-60 before succumbing to the suckiness that is triple-digit heat waves. You suck, Wenatchee. Shove your applets and cotlets up your searingly hot ass. We parked at a lot near a 76 station and assembled all of our riding stuff. In the five minutes it took for me to get slathered up with sunscreen, prepare my bento box, put on my helmet and sunglasses, and grab my bottles, my bike seat had already gotten taint-meltingly hot. This ride was going to...

A woman from Tennessee swam from Pittsburgh to Illinois via the Ohio River. It took her two months to complete the swim, which totaled 981 miles. If my coach put this workout on my schedule, I’d punch her in the face. From the article: She often was in the water for eight to 12 hours daily, resting one day per week. Swimming 8-12 hours a day?! Eff that ess. I’d flail around for an hour, say “Screw this,” and drag my sodden ass out of the river to go get some frozen custard. (Speaking of which, the swimmer celebrated the completion of her journey with ice cream and a beer,...

The Tour de France brings out the obsessed and somewhat eccentric cycling fans in droves. Maybe they’re cyclists themselves, or perhaps they just have a fondness for unflattering spandex. Whatever the reason, each year at least one Tour photo surfaces that captures a spectator looking gloriously awesome. Case in point, this dude. Much like Elaine’s boyfriend Puddy from Seinfeld, I picture this guy running around going, “We’re the devils! Eeeeehhhhh!” If I saw dudes dressed like this cheering me on at races, I would race all the freaking time.

Every month or so I head to Colorado for work. This time around, I brought Jason with me so we could attend my boss’s housewarming party (I use the word “house” loosely, as 12,000 sq. ft is less of a “house” and more of a “Xanadu”). We spent the 4th of July hiking and trail running in Colorado Springs. That may sound impressive at first until I tell you that I both fell on my ass in true Mediocre Athlete fashion and we got horribly lost and ended up going twice as far as intended. Never go hiking with us unless you want people to stumble across your...