According to him, nobody in the history of ever should do their swim workout while wearing a watch, even if they need to record splits that would be much easier to track via the lap button than trying to memorize them all from the wall clock. Got it. You should also listen to this guy when it comes to fueling, because it’s better to forgo extra fuel on the bike and a fuel belt during your runs so you don’t look like a fool, amirite? Because everyone laughs at you if they see you carrying some bottles and a few gels. They all point and cackle, “Look at this dumb-ass, carrying a couple unnecessary extra pounds! Revoke his USAT card right now!” Also, despite the fact that I have never seen anyone ever eat a gel outside of training or races, thanks for pointing out that one should never consume them as a snack or meal. I’m sure that happens all the time.

I suppose the only truly “controversial” point this guy brought up was the M-dot tattoo. You all know it well–it’s the Ironman logo that some athletes get tattooed on their bodies after completing their first Ironman. His argument was “do fat people get the McDonald’s Arches tattooed on their bellies because they love a quarter pounder with cheese?”, which is a straw man argument. It’s not like some guy ran out and got the M-dot tattoo because he liked the Timex Ironman brand watches; typically the mindset is that the tattoo is “earned” after months of training and upon completion of the race, whereas any schmuck who loves Mickey D’s or is an Apple fanboy can get the arches or apple icon inked on his skin.

What I think this man was trying to say is that the M-dot is a corporate logo, and tattooing a corporate logo onto your body is stupid–it’s like getting the LG logo or BMW permanently etched onto your body. I can understand that argument, but are you really going to nitpick an M-dot tattoo over tattoos in general (especially when the author himself admitted to having a “Cleveland” tattoo, which is infinitely more embarrassing than an M-dot considering Cleveland is an utter shithole)? People get stupid, ridiculous tattoos all the time for no reason–at least the M-dot tattoo has some semblance of reason and meaning behind it.

Would you make fun of a group of military guys for getting army/navy/squadron/etc tattoos? Of course not, because you’d probably get your ass kicked, but also because you understand that even though the army is a “corporate” logo, it represented a time in that guy’s life when he did something personally meaningful and bonded with a group of like-minded individuals. I don’t see the M-dot as being any different. Not everyone is naturally athletic or gifted. Some people look at an Ironman and see Mt. Everest. They train for months, maybe even years, to aspire to complete one, and when they do they see a dream fulfilled, a giant conquered, a goal attained. Maybe they want to get a tattoo to remind them of the emotional and physical journey they embarked on in order to earn that medal and that finisher’s photo. Maybe they’re already a tattoo freak so what’s one more added to the bunch? Hell, maybe they just like the M-dot logo, after all.

The biggest question you ask yourself shouldn’t be “Why?”, it should be “Why do I care?” And the answer is you shouldn’t. It’s not your body, so you don’t have to live with it for the rest of your life. The M-dot logo may mean nothing to you, but it probably means something to the person who had it inked onto his or her skin. Are you going to go into that person’s house and start trashing the art on his walls, the furniture in his living room, the car that he drives, just because you personally don’t like it? Aren’t manners and being polite basic skills everyone learned in kindergarten?

I’ve completed an Ironman and am training for my second one. I don’t have an M-dot tattoo, nor do I plan to ever get one. Tattoos aren’t my thing, but I understand that some people find them appealing. I have teammates with M-dot tattoos and I have teammates without them. When I see someone sporting one, I don’t roll my eyes and think, “What a fool.” I just see a triathlete. Maybe he’s slow, maybe he’s fast, I don’t know. He might have raced Kona countless times over or he might have barely made the 17 hour cut-off. Whoever he is, I don’t judge him because he has an M-dot tattoo. This same guy could look at my race splits, see my atrocious swim times, and sneer “Why is she even doing this sport?” without knowing anything else about me.

So, in the age-old question “To M-dot or not to M-dot,” the answer is “do whatever you feel like.” If you want to get an M-dot tattoo, get one. If you don’t, don’t. If you roll your eyes at the tattoo, guess what: it’s not mandatory–the athlete catchers don’t grab you as soon as you cross the finish line, guide you to get your medal and your photo taken, then shove you into a tattoo tent and hold you down while Mike Reilly etches the logo onto your calf. If that were the case, Sister Madonna would look like she were in a prison gang. The tattoo isn’t a big deal. Get one or don’t, but don’t sneer at athletes who don’t have one if you do, and don’t scoff at athletes who do have one if you don’t. We can all enjoy the sport together, tattoo or not.

I’m all for these folks feeling empowered and strong and getting into good shape, but fast-tracking Biggest Loser contestants into elite races is ridiculous. Just because they’re a quasi-celebrity doesn’t mean they should be able to bypass the stringent qualification requirements or shouldn’t have to throw their name into the lottery and hope, like thousands of other athletes do every year, that they get chosen. To me, letting a Biggest Loser contestant do Kona or “run” the Boston Marathon is a slap in the face to the hard working athletes who bust their butts to train and qualify for these races.

I know the argument is that they’re inspiring people to get off the couch and get in shape, but the same point can be made by having them sign up for a regular Ironman event or marathon. The majority of these alumni can’t qualify for Boston or Kona. Hell, most fit people can’t qualify, yet NBC is telling us that all we have to do is become morbidly obese, get on a TV show and let a couple of melodramatic trainers scream at us while we struggle to do box jumps and lose weight, and then we can move to the front of the Kona or Boston line? Screw the 3:10 qualifying marathon time — all my boyfriend has to do to race Boston is gain 100 lbs and he’ll be invited to power walk it in a Biggest Loser t-shirt while tens of thousands of hard working, serious athletes run by him.

The triathlons are even worse. The Biggest Loser recently invited some alumni back to do an Olympic distance triathlon and awarded the winning male and female each $25,000. Yep, $25,000. For an Olympic distance race. Do you know in which place you would have to finish at the Ironman World Championships to make as much as these stupid contestants made for finishing their crappy race?

2nd place, which pays out $30,000.

Yeah, that’s right, the 2nd fastest Ironman triathlete in the world only made $5,000 more than a Biggest Loser contestant who wouldn’t even be able to win his or her age group in a typical Olympic distance triathlon.

Former Biggest Loser winner Matt actually raced Kona in 2010, and guess how he did? He didn’t make the official cutoff and instead finished after 17 hours. With proper training and barring any physical or mechanical malfunctions, there is practically no reason you can’t finish an Ironman within the cutoff time. It’s a formidable distance, sure, but they give you an extremely generous window in which to finish. Matt wasn’t in good enough shape to do an Ironman, let alone the World Championships, plain and simple. Yet millions of viewers think, “Wow, Matt is an Ironman and a hardcore athlete because he competed in the World Championships!” Well, not really. He didn’t make the cutoff time. He cut corners to get there, and look what happened.

I think Tara will do better than Matt — she seems like she’s in better shape and can actually finish Kona in under 17 hours, provided she puts in the training and takes it seriously. But do I think she should be racing Kona in the first place? Unless she qualified, got a lottery slot, or bought a charity slot (and by “bought,” I mean that she bought it, not NBC), no, she shouldn’t be participating in the World Championships. These races were designed for the best of the best, not the least fat of the formerly fat.

The Biggest Loser is so focused on making overweight people feel better that they’ve disrespected and overlooked those who train not just to be healthy and fit, but to be the very best among the majority of the field. As a middle of the pack athlete who will probably never be fast enough to qualify for Kona and who would have to work really hard to qualify for Boston, I think it’s pretty ridiculous how quickly and easily these contestants can achieve the dreams and goals that so many legitimate athletes desperately try to reach every day.

I think this girl also had an older brother who excelled in a sport that she was ultimately pushed into, because how else could you explain this jaw-dropping display of athleticism (or lack thereof):

Don’t worry, girl, I probably would have done the same thing.

"Okay, all we have to do is not let them score 28 points in 7 minutes. We got this!"

If you watched Sunday’s game of the Giants vs. the Philadelphia Eagles, you saw a self-destruction of pretty impressive proportions. Up 31-10 with less than eight minutes remaining in the 4th quarter, it appeared as if the Giants had this win in the bag. Unfortunately for them, a streak of mediocrity can hit even the most seasoned athlete, and they watched their lead get chipped away as the Eagles managed to tie the game with 13 seconds remaining in the 4th.

And then Giants kicker Matt Dodge did a truly derptastic thing and booted the pigskin straight to wide receiver DeSean Jackson instead of kicking the ball out of bounds. So rather than force the Eagles into setting up a play that would most likely have resulted in the game going into overtime, they shot the football to Jackson, who was like, “Nah, I’ll just end the game now” and returned the punt 65 yards for a touchdown and the win. Final score: Eagles 38, Giants 31.

"Oh, was that supposed to be difficult?"

Congratulations, Giants! You are my first ever Mediocre Athlete of the Week. Don’t worry, you’re still a formidable football team and we all have a bad day every once in a while. I’m sure you’ll bounce back from this 4th quarter embarrassment and will be back on your A game in no time.

“Mr. Goodman agreed, though his main concern now isn’t how he looks in the mirror, but making sure that he isn’t ‘chick-ed’ at the next race — slang for being beaten by a woman.”

Really, Mr. Goodman? You’re more concerned about being passed by a female triathlete than you are about how fit and healthy you are? You’re a fucking asshole.

This isn’t the first time I’ve come across a blog post or an article either written by or about a male triathlete where they get all butthurt about the possibility of getting “chicked” and talk about it like it’s the most demeaning and horrible thing a triathlete can experience. Ordinarily, I’m a pretty laid-back person with a sense of humor, but I find the stigma of “getting chicked” to be offensive and sexist. Do these guys honestly expect to beat every woman who’s racing? If so, they damn well better be Craig Alexander because unless they’re a professional triathlete at the top of their game, they’re gonna get passed by a girl who’s faster than them.

The best and most obvious example of a woman who chicks most of the field is Chrissie Wellington. In 2009 she took first place at the World Championships in Kona and set a new women’s course record with a finish time of 8:54:02. Perhaps more impressive than her champion title and course record is the fact that she took 23rd place overall, beating 79 male pros and 1,245 amateur men. Chrissie Wellington and the other active female pros are faster than the average triathlete. Hell, they’re faster than most elite triathletes. They’ll certainly out-race a chauvinistic age grouper who gets his panties in a bunch at the thought of someone with a vagina out-swimming, biking and running him.

It’s not just the female pros who will kick your ass — I know plenty of female age groupers who can out-race most of the competition, male or female, and make it look easy. Many of my teammates have busted out Ironman times that the average male triathlete wouldn’t dream of accomplishing. They swim like dolphins, bike faster than you can believe, and run at a seemingly unsustainable pace. They take top accolades at most of their races, and they work hard and train long hours to get as good as they are. To be disgusted by the notion of getting “chicked” is not only insulting to all female triathletes who are racing and trying their best, it’s ignorant and dismissive of the athletes out there who truly excel in the sport and deserve recognition as being great instead of “pretty good for a girl.”

Let’s return to Mr. Goodman. On June 6th, 2010, he participated in the Hope in Motion walk, run, and ride event. Mr. Goodman placed 289th out of 571 people. Over 100 women beat him. He also did the Jarden Westchester Triathlon on September 26th, 2010, and finished in a time of 2:31:38. 18 females had a faster day than him. Looks like he got “chicked” hardcore. Maybe Mr. Goodman should stop worrying about a female passing him on the bike or catching him on the run and instead focus on his own race. After all, the chances are high that he’s already been beaten by a female — she was just so fast that he never saw her.

Don’t make a big deal about getting “chicked” — it makes you look like a sexist douchebag who’s more focused on out-racing girls than on being healthy and active and racing the best race you can, period. Females are tough, fast, and determined. If you’re threatened by that, you better either get a hell of a lot faster or stop doing triathlons, because we’re not going to hold back to avoid hurting your machismo.

1. Bev Smith  — Geriatric Whisperer

I bet only her soothing voice and promise of Werther’s Originals and reruns of Murder, She Wrote can calm the elderly.

2. Sean Darragh — Corpse Whisperer

He must get Bev Smith’s hand-me-downs.

3. Laurel Van Zanten — Specializes in Crazy

That’s actually what she wrote. I’m not sure if that means she’s crazy or she’s simply an expert. If it’s the latter, she probably works as the in-house therapist for VH1 reality show girls.

4. Louise Valois — Orca

Huh, I never noticed a killer whale racing…

5. Michele Kendall-Williams — Female Cage Fighter

Dayum!

6. Treena O’Connor — Wonder Woman

She better not have used her invisible plane. I’m pretty sure that’s against triathlon regulations.

7. Janna Gillick — Goat Rancher

Goat Rich or Die Tryin’.

8. Valerie Boller — Goat Herder

She should get together with Janna Gillick and start a lucrative goat business.

9. George Bichsel — Yak Herder

Yak herders make goat herders look like chumps.

10. Frank Zaprawa — Flamingo Herder

Okay, seriously, this is getting ridiculous. There’s really a need for flamingo herding? Worst herder ever.

11. Michael Kelly — Butterfly Herder

I stand corrected.

12. Jan Jagodzinski — Hobby Dancer

Hold me closer, hobby dancer…count the buoys as you swim awayyyyy…

13. Timoty Leddy — Coonsultant

I like to think that this isn’t a typo, and instead Mr. Leddy actually provides consulting for raccoons. “I recommend rustling through the Jones’ garbage tomorrow night.”

14. Reg Rempel — Spirits Specialist

This could mean bartender, alcoholic, or an expert of the supernatural. Perhaps all three?

15. David Mills — Rocket Scientist

He’s no brain surgeon.

16. Steve Attwood (my teammate!) — Pirate

He eats all the orange slices at aid stations to offset scurvy.

17. Daryn Klinginsmith — Humble Pie Eater

If he won a humble pie eating contest, would he get even get a trophy? I’m guessing they just give out slight nods of approval.

18. Murray Harris — Pain Enabler

He’s Canada’s Jack Bauer. “Damnit, Chloe!…soo-rry I raised my voice, eh?”

19. Steve Hobson — Cartwheel Man

I’m disappointed he didn’t cartwheel the entire 26.2 miles of the run. Clearly it’s just a job and not a career.

20. Scott Greene — Hip-Hop Mogul

I didn’t know Sir Mix-a-Lot races under the name “Scott Greene.”

21. Michael De Luca — Hydrogeologist

I’m not sure what that is, but I bet he’s the dude the government doesn’t listen to in disaster movies.

22. Michael Deitchman — Fudge Taste Tester

If this isn’t some sort of gross euphemism, this man has the best job ever.

23. Shawn Burke — Fat Metabolizer

Dude, it’s an Ironman. We’re all fat metabolizers that day.

24. Ray Miller — Ninja

I bet nobody saw him finish.

25. Gilles Chatelin — Drop Bear Tamer

I’m guessing he has to tame it not to drop things.

26. David Huntley — Monkey Trainer

Could you imagine little monkey wetsuit strippers? Holy crap, nobody would want to leave T1.

27. Scott Gammonm — Mountain Man

He better have an epic beard; otherwise, I’m revoking his Mountain Man status.

28. David Eliuk — Fried Food Inventor

Whaaaat? You liar-face.

29. Mark Naphin — Ironchef

I was hoping he was an actual Iron Chef and not just an Ironman who’s also a chef. Could you imagine Morimoto doing an Ironman? It’d be intense.

30. Colin Ferguson — Knowledge Dropper

Running alongside him must be a real treat. “Odontophobia is the fear of teeth! Elephants are the only mammals that can’t jump! Are you stopping at the next aid station?”

If you’re not aware of who Team Hoyt is (you should if you do any races), they’re a father/son team who will race their 1,000th race this year. That in itself is pretty remarkable (I’ve probably done about a dozen, so I’d have to average almost 40 more races a year to hit 1,000 by the time I’m 50), but what makes Team Hoyt even more awe-inspiring is the fact that the son, Rick Hoyt, has cerebral palsy and can barely move. He communicates via a computer and has a nice job, but he’s not exactly in the best condition to lace up his shoes and go for a run. So how does he race? Well, it’s “easy,” really: Dick Hoyt, the father, tows his son in a boat when he swims, rides with him in a bike, and pushes him in a wheelchair while running.

It’s hard enough for millions of people to drag themselves out of bed and head to the gym for 30 minutes of half-ass elliptical machine cardio while flipping through a magazine, let alone have the mental drive and determination to train for a race, whether it be a 5K, a marathon, or an Ironman. Team Hoyt goes one step further — Dick Hoyt has worked twice as hard as virtually anyone you know. He’s swam 2.4 miles while towing his son. He’s hauled about 350 total lbs up steep hills on a bike. He’s run the Boston Marathon over 26 times, and his finish time pushing another human being in a wheelchair is still way better than what most of you will ever hope to run in your lifetime.

Can you imagine what Dick Hoyt’s race time would be if he were a team of one? The man is nearly 70 years old, and he’s FAST. He and his son are faster than I am and probably will ever be. I can only imagine what his full potential is when he’s not towing or pushing his son. But Dick is so unselfish and so committed to racing as a team that we’ll probably never know what his marathon time would be if he ran by himself, or what the Ironman clock would read as he crossed the finish line solo. And I bet he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Team Hoyt’s unselfishness and commitment to themselves as athletes and to others with disabilities should light that fire under your ass. You have no excuse. If you’re overweight and bemoan the fact that everyone else seems to lose lbs except you, you have no excuse. If you’ve been planning on running your first 5K but have been putting it off, you have no excuse. If you’re striving to hit a PR for your next 70.3 race but are watching TV and eating jellybeans instead of swimming, you have no excuse. Know why? Because Team Hoyt has plenty of built-in excuses, and they don’t let that drag them down. They overcome their disadvantages, sign up for those races, and kick the asses of most able-bodied, young, healthy people racing among them.

So what’s your excuse? You don’t have one. Get off your ass and work towards achieving your goal, and when you do, thank Team Hoyt for inspiring you to believe in yourself and prove to yourself that you’re strong and determined.