Let the Taper Tantrum Begin!

Sweet fancy Moses, I’ve made it to my pre-Ironman taper. It’s that glorious week where you only have a crap-ton of workouts on your schedule instead of the usual ass-ton. Unfortunately, it’s also that time leading up to the race where you go through your “taper tantrum,” a whirlwind of emotions and paranoia where you overanalyze every little mundane thing and make it out to be a bigger deal than it is.

Below are things that have gone through my head this week during my taper tantrum:

  1. I feel feverish–I MUST BE GETTING SICK
  2. My throat is kind of scratchy–I KNOW I’M GETTING SICK
  3. I’m feeling a little tired and rundown–I HAVE MONO, IT’S THE ONLY EXPLANATION
  4. My left Achilles has been nagging me–THE TENDINITIS IS BACK AGAIN, NOOOOOO
  5. I feel fat–I’M NOT GONNA FIT IN MY WETSUIT OR BE ABLE TO HAUL MY LARD-ASS UP YELLOW LAKE
  6. I haven’t been swimming enough lately–I’M GONNA DROWN ON RACE DAY
  7. There have been a couple triathlon swim deaths in the news–I’M DEFINITELY GONNA DROWN ON RACE DAY
  8. My bike’s shifting has been a bit wonky lately–MY BIKE’S GONNA BREAK IN HALF ON RICHTER
  9. I was tired during my last long run–I’M GONNA HAVE TO WALK THE ENTIRE MARATHON
  10. Dr. Perry mentioned I was a bit dehydrated–OH SHIT, I’M TOTALLY SCREWED
  11. My wetsuit ripped a bit before the Friday Night Swim–I’M GONNA HULK HOGAN THE DAMN THING WHEN I TRY TO PUT IT ON BEFORE THE RACE
  12. I had a bad swim at the Friday Night Swim Race–THEY’RE GONNA HAVE TO FISH ME OUT OF THE WATER DURING THE SWIM PORTION AND TN MULTISPORTS WILL DISOWN ME
  13. Teresa wants me to have a good race–OH GOD I DON’T WANT TO LET HER DOWN, SHE’LL BE SO DISAPPOINTED
  14. Feet felt a bit crampy after the drive up–I HAVEN’T BEEN STRETCHING ENOUGH, MY MUSCLES ARE SO TIGHT THIS IS NO GOOD
  15. The race day weather report keeps changing–OH SHIT I’M GOING TO BE UNDER/OVERDRESSED AND WILL FREEZE/ROAST I DON’T EVEN KNOWWWW

Thankfully, this article popped up at the right moment, telling me to get the fuck over it and reminding me that I’ve done plenty of training and I’m ready as I’ll ever be for Sunday’s shenanigans. With less than 24 hours until the Big Effin’ Race, it’s all about serenity now, serenity now (hoo-chie ma-ma and insanity later, of course).

3 Responses to “ “Let the Taper Tantrum Begin!”

  1. Reagan says:

    Point #4…classic case of race-o-chondria! It happens to me during the taper before every race. Love that it happens to other people too!

  2. Mikyong says:

    Ha! #1-3 on the eve of Honu 70.3 in Hawaii this June–and I had full blown strep!! Couldn’t freaking believe it. Took a penicillin and a percocet and “raced” anyway (and BTW, I don’t think you’re mediocre in the least!!).
    Hope IM Canada was great.
    Loved your Letter to the Waiter post. (Can you tell from my name the ethnicity of my mother?)
    And as a family doc who occasionally deals with “lady bumps” I print out your “this sport is stupid and gross” post before going after those lady bumps–hopefully distracts the poor patient a bit!

  3. Tammi says:

    My husband told me to read this post and I laughed out loud! I’m doing my first sprint tri this weekend and this is my first ever taper week and I went right down your list…yes to all. The first 3 were hilarious as they were exactly the first three things I thought between last night and this morning.

    Thanks for writing!

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