My Futile Quest for Abs

My Futile Quest for Abs

I’ve always been a fan of abs (seriously, who isn’t?). I think it’d be awesome to rock some man-abs, Keira Knightley-style, while still looking somewhat female (I don’t need to be mistaken for WWE wrestler Chyna or anything). Unfortunately, I love food more than I love doing crunches and cutting out carbs, so alas, I can only manage to rock a two-pack that’s not even abs so much as it is “prominent ribcage” (which is what my doctor actually told me).

I actually have a strong core and enjoy doing ab work, but I can never seem to get rid of that little layer of chub around my midsection, plus I can never bring myself to alter my diet enough to make those little guys poke their heads out like Punxsutawney Phil. The crappy thing is that a lot of my female teammates have glorious abdominals. It’s depressing how ripped these chicks are. They probably just suds up their race clothes on their tummies while I’m reduced to using my washing machine like a sucker.

Case in point:

"Oh don't mind me, just flexing my awesome abs."

That’s Kara, who has such little fat on her stomach that not only does she have abs, she has a giant freakin’ “I’m in such good shape that I’m uber-vascular” vein snaking down her side. Ugh.

Here’s a picture of Laura and Teresa, who combine for 12 ridiculous abdominal muscles:

Double abs all the way across the sky!

I hate you both.

I’ve saved the most demoralizing for last. Teresa’s friend Kelley was a bridesmaid at her wedding, and the girl had to wear Spanx under her dress, not to suck in the jelly roll like most of us females would use them for, but to smooth down her FREAKY MAN ABS:


Yes, that’s her on the left. She does jujitsu or judo or some sort of “I can easily kick your ass” martial arts, and her abs are so intimidating that her opponent probably just took one look at them and forfeited. (I don’t blame her.)

So I look at these abdominally-blessed goddesses and think about all of the corndogs I inhaled yesterday, and I figure that I can do one of two things. Either I can hunker down and work my tail off this winter and next season, shedding those last few pounds and getting serious with my strength training so I can finally rock a glorious six pack (or hell, even four, I’m not picky), or I can say “Screw it,” shove a cupcake down my throat, and fire up Photoshop.

I’ll let you guess which one I’m going with for now.

Gimme a break, the holidays are coming.

7 Responses to “ “My Futile Quest for Abs”

  1. teresa says:

    Girl you are looking SO good and your “pack” is so close!!! Perhaps another ironman! ha!

    Kelley will die when she reads this!!!

    oh, and my 6-pack be gone…10 weeks of no fruit, no veggies, no fiber, no dairy leaves you with um….a whole lot of non-fitness physique!!!

    You look amazing!!! Keep it up!]

  2. Bri says:

    Dude your core is flat… and look at that defined six pack 🙂 I think we should start placing bets on your first born child, AND your abs 🙂

  3. cathleen k says:

    This is hilarious. Well done, Mediocre Athlete.

  4. Kelley Weatherford says:

    Ahhhaaaaaaha! Rebecca you crack me up! First of all I love your perfectly flat stomach! And just for the record in that tournament I had to cut so much weight I was in my car in the middle of June with a sweatshirt, and the heater on, to drop my last .5 lb’s!! WTF! Lol so let’s just say that was no bueno and my freakish man abs were ridiculous…you are beautilful in every way and if I remember correctly …you should make a little extra cash on the side as a stand up comedian!! Hee hee! Hope all is well in S-town!!!

  5. Poul Nielsen says:

    Rebecca, I can certainly relate; I too love food and am willing to scrap having a ripped ‘six pack’ over enjoying a little moderation in life. Thanks for writing the great post!

  6. Mary Moltman says:

    This is a HILARIOUS post! I always find it shocking that there are actually people out there that don’t exercise so they can eat more without looking like a house. Yes, yes, I could run faster if I lost 10 pounds, and swim and cycle more efficiently, but would I be as much fun to be around? I think not! Thanks for the great post!

  7. Dave says:

    Unfortunately some of us just aren’t genetically build to have abs.

    I exercise quite a bit, but a few years back I embarked on an ab quest. I cut out 90% of the crap I ate, mostly chowed down on fruit , vegetables, nuts and protein foods like Vector. Worked out vigorously 5 days a week for almost two years. No abs 🙁

    I am currently in the exercise so I can eat and not turn into a sea cow camp.

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