Announcing My Professional Debut as an Almost-Swimmer
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: 12/30/2013
Mediocre Athlete Announces Professional Debut as Almost-Swimmer
30-Year Old Female the First to Go Pro in Threatening to Swim
Seattle, WA: Today, Rebecca Kelley, a 30-year old mediocre athlete who has somehow managed to complete two Ironman-distance races despite her unwillingness to get out of her warm bed and train most of the time, announced that she will be turning pro in the one discipline she excels at the most: very nearly doing her swim workouts but never actually completing them. After nearly a year and a half of threatening to get back into the pool, Kelley knew she found her calling as a professional almost-swimmer.
When asked about the dedication it took to get her to this point, Kelley said, “It wasn’t easy. I can’t tell you how many times I’d fill my swim bag with my swimsuit, goggles, a swim cap, and the tools I’d need to make myself a stronger, more capable swimmer, and set my alarm to ass o’clock in the morning so I could swim, only to crack a bleary eye when my phone lit up at 6 am, mutter “Fuck that,” and shut it off so I could go back to sleep. The process was exhausting but I managed to stick to my routine of almost swimming and execute a 100% failure rate, which is no small feat.”
Kelley, who hasn’t swum since her triathlon coach made her participate in the athletes practice swim at Ironman St. Croix 70.3 in May 2013, said she knew she had a solid shot at going pro when she realized how very few of her teammates skipped swim workouts with the enthusiasm and drive that she did. “I’m not a braggart by any means,” she explained, “but when it comes to not swimming, I feel as if I’m in a whole other league than my fellow athletes. I know people who will skip a swim workout here and there, but I literally have a whole pile of workouts I’ve written up and never actually completed. And I signed up for another Ironman and still haven’t gotten back in the pool, which to me shows how seriously I plan on taking my professional career.”
When asked about her dedication, Kelley’s fiancé, Jason Arango, said, “She is really, really good at not swimming. Probably the best out there. She’ll always have an excuse ready, or she’ll substitute a run or a spin instead. Or sometimes she’ll just sit there on the couch, staring at her phone with a blank look on her face. I think she’s playing Words With Friends but I’m not sure. Either way, she sure as hell isn’t swimming, which is impressive when you factor in the number of months she’s been able to successfully avoid the pool.”
Though Kelley is a rookie professional swimmer, her newbie status doesn’t affect her outlook on being able to perform at an elite level. “I know that this is the big leagues now, but I’m really confident I can hang with the best of them. Not swimming is in my bones — back when I was in high school and discovered in my P.E. swim block that I was one of the worst swimmers in the class, that’s when I started to suspect I had a special talent. I feel as if I was born to not swim, and I’ve found my true calling as a mediocre athlete.”
Kelley acknowledges there will be numerous obstacles along her path to become the greatest non-swimmer in the world. “Ironman Wisconsin is nine months away, so I suppose I’ll have to force some swim time in eventually,” she admitted. “Plus, despite the fact that my triathlon coach is seven months pregnant, I’m pretty sure that any day now she’s going to kick down my door, drag me downtown, and throw me into the pool at the SAC so I don’t embarrass her. But until that happens, I’m going to enjoy my professional status as much as I can.”
About Mediocre Industries: Mediocre Industries is the completely made-up parent company that has sponsored Mediocre Athletes such as Rebecca Kelley since 2008. It has supported ignoring hundreds of swim workouts in the past five years and expects continued success in the future.