I work out with a fairly big group of people, and the vast majority of the women have such an unreal wardrobe of workout apparel that it’s giving me quite the complex. Half of these girls look like fitness models, rocking out in cute, bright colored tops and pants. I, on the other hand, am not so blessed… Case in point: On Tuesday I show up at track wearing my Seafair pirate finisher’s shirt (arrrrrrghhh!) and a sad pair of shorts that make my stump legs look even shorter than usual. I also have some decidedly unattractive bags under my eyes and a sloppy ponytail. When doing my warmup, I notice two of my teammates running side by side looking like the Doublemint twins in matching lime green tops and cute little shorts. They’re all bright-eyed and hardly breaking a sweat, and their ponytails are bouncing like they’re in some uber-chic shampoo commercial where the models shake out their hair in slow motion. The fashion doesn’t end with those two though. I think most of my teammates with two X chromosomes are sponsored by Lulu Lemon. No joke, freaking every female athlete I know has virtually their entire spring collection. One time I ducked into the store so I could emulate the cool kids, and not only could I not fit my massive stump quad into a pair of shorts (the sizing there is suicide-inducing), the clothes are so expensive that I suspect my female teammates are operating a secret meth lab in order to afford this lavish wardrobe. Admittedly, my workout clothes collection is pretty sad. It mostly consists of a too-big finisher’s shirt from a previous race and a cheapo pair of shorts. Every once in a while I’ll even bust out a couple of sad cotton tank tops I bought at Target about five years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to have cute plaid and pink and pastel tops that wick sweat and auto-spray perfume on me to counteract any funky odor my body is unleashing, but I can’t a) afford said wondrous clothing, or b) wear any of these tops without sporting a massive sausage roll around my midsection. It seems that a lot of stars need to align before I can improve the gear; namely, continuing Operation De-Chunkify and possibly winning the lottery. Until then, look for the tired girl in the ill-fitting Rock ‘n Roll Marathon finisher’s shirt and bunched up shorts and tell her she looks good....

March has been a busy week for me and Jas, so getting all our workouts in has been a bit tough. In the span of a week, we were in Leavenworth, Portland, and Denver. When I got home from the latest trip, I knew I had to kick things into high gear to get back on track with my workouts and to pick up where Operation De-Chunkify left off. Teresa must have felt the same way, because she scheduled me almost 14 hours’ worth of workouts. *shakes fist* The week’s not even over yet, and my quads feel like a shredded beef burrito with less delicioso and more pain-o (yes, I minored in Spanish). On Tuesday I ran 5 miles at our track workout, busting out stupid 400s and unsuccessfully stifling nasty fish burps (another food that’s come back to haunt me). With my legs a bit stiff from track, this morning I went to the dry land swim workout. Since there were only three of us in attendance today, Teresa decided to bring the pain moreso than usual and forced me to do an unholy amount of squats and lunges. (I got the last laugh though, sweating all over every square foot of the workout area. Have fun mopping up my Asian funk, Teresa!) What did T-Pain schedule after dry land? A 90 minute bike ride that included 5 three minute hill repeats. I dejectedly did my warmup on the trainer, then busted the bike free and rode to a hill that’s a mile from our house (the first ride of the season — had to dust off the cobwebs a bit) and proceeded to turn my quads into this: (The shape of the legs is pretty accurate — I’ve been cursed with SALS, or Stumpy Asian Leg Syndrome. Thanks, Mom.) With a run and a swim tomorrow, a stair workout and swim class Saturday, and a 3 1/2 hour ride + brick run Sunday, I think by Monday my leg muscles should make for a pretty tasty pulled pork sandwich. Mmmm,...