Crotchfest 2012: “This Sport is Stupid and Gross” Edition

Crotchfest 2012: “This Sport is Stupid and Gross” Edition

Warning: This post is disgusting. You probably shouldn’t read it. I wrote it because while this whole ordeal was gross and embarrassing and contains more information than you would ever want to know about my nether region, it’s still kind of funny and interesting. And there’s some science involved, so maybe you could learn something. Something gross, but hey, it’s better than nothing, right?

So I went to the Coeur d’Alene training camp, did a fever and cold-induced 80 mile bike ride, and came home with a Fergie-approved lovely lady lump in my nethers. It hurt like a mofo over the weekend but subsided into a “feels like a slight bruise” sensation. Unfortunately, despite the pain level decreasing, the size and hardness of this mass remained the same. I started to get concerned because I had three bike workouts on my schedule for this week and Honu was right around the corner, so I couldn’t afford to stay off the bike and wait for this thing to go away on its own.

My “situation” was quite the topic of interest among my female teammates:

[at our group run at Greenlake]

Jill: “How are you feeling?”

Me: “Much better! I think my cold is gone now.”

Jill: “I mean…how are you feeling.”

Me: “…oh, right. That thing. Yeah, it’s still there.”

[two minutes later]

Vicki: “Hey, Rebecca! How are things feeling?

Me, sighing: “Yeah, it’s still there.”

By Wednesday the blob was still hanging around places it shouldn’t be, so I called the women’s health clinic at my go-to medical center to try and make an appointment.

Receptionist: “So are you just wanting a routine checkup?”

Me: “Well, I guess we could do a checkup, yeah, but I want to get this potential cyst looked at. It formed after a bike ride on Friday and I need to get it dealt with as soon as possible.”

Receptionist: “Okay…” [clack clack clack clack clack] “…I have a June 6th appointment available. Will that work for you?”


Best health care in the world, amirite?

Me: “Seriously, three weeks? Don’t you have anything sooner?”

Receptionist: “I’ll have to look and call you back.”

Annoyed, I tried a different clinic. The soonest they could get me in to see a doctor was Monday, so I tentatively made an appointment but kept calling around trying to find a better option.

Clinic #3 receptionist: “How can I help you?”

Me: “I was wondering if you had any open appointments for the gynecologist.”

Receptionist: “Uhhhh…I don’t think we do that here.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Receptionist: “Let meeeeee cheeeeeck…..” [clack clack clack clack clack] “…yeah, we don’t have cardiologists here.”

Me: “Not cardiologists, gynecologists.”

Receptionist: “Oh, radiologists?”

Me, shouting: “GYNECOLOGIST! WOMEN’S HEALTH!!” I glanced over at Jason, whose shoulders were shaking with laughter. I could only imagine my conversation with this deaf woman escalating to me screeching “VAG DOCTOR!! I’M HAVING COOCH PROBLEMS!! THERE’S A CYST NEAR MY POON!!!”

Receptionist: “OHHHHHHHHHHH…..let me give you the number to our women’s health clinic.” Good grief.

I called the clinic she referred me to and spoke with a fourth receptionist.

Clinic #4 receptionist: “How may I help you?”

Me: “I need to make an appointment to see a gynecologist. First available, if possible.”

Receptionist: “Okay, what’s the reason for the visit?”

Me, as if reciting from a script because I’ve explained this roughly 1,000 times already: “I’m training for a race and I did an 80 mile bike ride over the weekend and I developed a hard lump near my pubic bone and my friend who’s a nurse said it’s probably a cyst and told me to have a doctor check it out to make sure it’s not infected.”


Receptionist: “……….okaaaaayyyyyyy. Let me check and see if there’s anything available.” [clack clack clack clack clack] “I have a 2:00 available today, do you want me to bo–”

Me: “YES! I’ll take it!”


I went to the lunchtime strength training class and told Teresa that I had scheduled an appointment for later that afternoon.

Teresa: “I told Dr. Perry about your…thing…and asked if he wanted to look at it.”


WTF, no

Teresa: “Haha! I was kidding and he said no, anyway, but he wants to talk to you because he knows exactly what it is.” I hate you, Teresa. Don’t scare me like that.

I poked my head into Dr. Perry’s office.

Me, jokingly: “So, Teresa said you’re all too eager to look at my vag?”

Dr. Perry, laughing: “Yeah, I don’t want to see it but I know what happened. It’s a cyst. Or it could be a gland that’s gotten plugged up and swollen. But it’s probably a cyst.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s what Vicki said. I’m seeing the doctor at 2:00 today.”

Dr. Perry’s face lit up. “Oh, you should try to get them to drain it! If they can’t do it there then try to get some strong antibiotics. I don’t recommend lidocaine though. It’s generally not used…down there.”

The thought of getting my lady lump drained made me cringe so hard my face hurt, but my training schedule wouldn’t allow for this unwanted guest to stick around much longer, so I guess I’d have to see what the doctor said.

Eventually 2:00 rolled around and I got to the clinic to fill out paperwork. I checked in and was told I’d have to fork over a $60 copay. Ugh. (Jason, via text: “I bet it’s normally $20 but they’re charging you a 200% ‘grossness tax.'”)

I hadn’t even written my name on the stack of paperwork handed to me when a nurse retrieved me and led me back to a room. She looked at me and asked, “Are you the woman who went bike riding?”

Me, laughing awkwardly: “Uh, yeah. Do I already have a reputation here?”

Nurse, smiling: “Yeah, kind of.”

Really? I’m the Weird Case of the Day? Awesome.

She took my vitals and I hung out for a very brief while before the doctor came in. This is the shortest I’ve had to wait for a nurse or a doctor–I guess having the Weird Case of the Day has its benefits.

Doctor: “Hi! I’m Doctor So-and-So. I heard about your issue but tell me what’s going on.”

Me: “I’mtrainingforaraceanddidan80milebikerideovertheweekendandIdevelopedahardlumpnearmypubicboneandmyfriend

Doctor: “Hmm, okay. Is it internal or external?”

Me: “Uh, you can’t see it but you can feel it. It’s kind of…long.”

Doctor: “Hmm. Okay. You’re gonna have to show me where it is.”

I poked at the wad. (For those of you who are curious, here’s a picture of a taco with an X marking the spot where the lump was. It was in a very weird area as far as saddle sores go.)

This is about as PG as it gets

Doctor: “Huh. Yeah, that’s…exactly how you described it.”

Me: “Well yeah.” What did she think I was going to do, shout “Just kidding! You just got vag punked!” and run out of the room bare-assed? I have better things to do with sixty bucks.

Doctor: “I mean, it is kind of oval…and hard… [poke poke] …hmm. Interesting. Very interesting…I think it’s a cyst but it’s so oddly shaped and it’s in such a peculiar spot… [poke poke] Hey, do you mind if I call in a colleague to take a look?”

I had officially become a sitcom cliche punchline come to life. I felt like Ross from that episode of Friends where all the doctors gather together to look at his weird skin thingy. This day had firmly veered into “super sucky” territory.

Me: “What the hell, I guess so.”

Doctor: “Great! I’ll be right back.” She left the room, leaving me to stare up at the bird mobile hanging above my head and wonder why I do this sport considering all the chafing, sunburns, and unfortunate crotch issues that come with it.

I heard footsteps approaching and a voice in the hallway getting louder.

“…it’s just really weird!” Superb, I’m the patient with the weird crotch issue at a women’s health clinic, a place where the docs are up to their elbows in ladybits all day long. That made me feel fantastic.

The door opened and my doctor popped in with an older woman whom I shall refer to as Grizzled Veteran Doc.

Doctor: “This is Grizzled Veteran Doc. I told her what’s going on and how I think it’s a cyst but that it’s in such an odd place and it’s so oddly shaped that I wasn’t certain.”

Grizzled Veteran Doc: “Hi there! Let’s take a look.” She and the other doc poked their heads under my paper modesty sheet as if they were old-timey photographers snapping a picture of a Victorian-era child instead of a couple of gynecologists checking out a cyst on an exasperated patient’s hoonaner.

Grizzled Veteran Doc, chirpily: “Oh yeah, that’s a cyst!” She and the other doctor then proceeded to go into high-level gyno speak while I laid there with my legs splayed open, thrilled that two middle-aged women were having a conversation while gathered around my crotch as if it were an embarrassed, lumpy campfire.

Me: “So what do you recommend?”

Grizzled Veteran Doc: “Oh, I’d just leave it alone for a couple weeks and see if it gets better by itself.”



I explained to Grizzled Veteran Doc that I had too many workouts relying on a healthy, cyst-free crotchal region, and that I was racing in a couple weeks and couldn’t spare any down time.

Grizzled Veteran Doc: “Hmmm… [to other Doc] You could stick a needle in there and try to drain it. See if anything comes out. If so, great! It’s not near anything important so it should be fine.” Nothing important except for my VAGINA. But yeah, it’s not like it’s near a Maserati or the Mona Lisa or something important like that. Just my reproductive organs, no big deal.

Grizzled Veteran Doctor left, leaving me with Doctor #1.

Doctor: “Okay, I’ll go get a needle and we’ll try to drain it. If it drains it’ll pretty much go back to normal but it could fill up again, at which point you can come back in and we can schedule an ultrasound and see what’s going on with it. If it doesn’t drain, I guess you’ll have to leave it alone and we can see what our options are. We could cut it out but that would require time in the surgical room, and I’m guessing that’s not much of an option for you at this point.”

My face was frozen into a mix of disgust and horror the entire time she was talking to me.

Me: “Uh, not really… [sighing] I guess we can try to drain it.”

Doctor: “Yaay! I’ll be right back.” She seemed way too giddy about this procedure. It must have been a boring day of pap smears and polyp tests until I walked through the door.

The doctor left and returned with some supplies.

Doctor: “This reddish goop is called ‘Hurricane.’ It’s a topical ointment that will numb the surface layer.” It reeked of cherries. Thanks for ruining that scent for me.Β “I don’t know if you’re squeamish about needles, but here’s what I’ll be using!” She shoved a gigantic-looking needle in front of my line of vision and I shot her the “Are you fucking kidding me” look. Why in the hell would I want to see that?!

Doctor: “It looks scary but it’s not that bad!” She was in such a great mood she was practically singing. “Okay, I’m gonna try and drain it now. We’ll see what happens…you’re gonna feel a slight pinch…”


My body went from dry to drenched with sweat in four seconds flat. I tried to lie still and resorted to making little grunting noises while my deodorant rendered itself completely useless.

Doctor: “I’m sorry, does that hurt?”

Me: “Well it doesn’t feel GREAT!”

Doctor: “I’m sorry…..oh, cool!”

Wait, what? Did I just hear an “Oh, cool”? What the shit is going on down there? Did my vagina just solve a Rubik’s Cube?

Me: “Did you just say ‘Oh cool’?”

Doctor: “Yeah, it’s draining! How about that!” For that amount of pain she was inflicting it damn well better have been draining. I wanted to feel completely dehydrated by the end of this procedure, like I had just taken a sip from the wrong chalice in The Last Crusade.

“Yep, looks like you got it all!”

She finished and showed me the needle, beaming with pride. It was full of darkish red goop. My reaction:

Thanks for the Show and Tell, Doc!

Doctor: “It looks like a bunch of old blood. My guess is that you developed a blood blister that got really hard. I got most of it out though…so cool.” She kept turning the needle around and staring at its contents with a look of awe and wonder.

Me: “You are definitely in the right profession.”

Doctor, laughing: “Yeah, I guess I am, aren’t I? I’ll send this to the lab to check for any abnormalities.” [And then she’ll probably loop it onto a chain and wear it as a necklace, judging from how much she was loving what she had just drained out of me.] “But don’t worry, it’s not cancer. Cancer doesn’t look anything like this, and it certainly doesn’t form this quickly.” So yaay for that–the silver lining in this shitstorm of a day.

The doctor said I was good to go and that I could go about my training with no downtime. I guess the cyst could potentially return but I’m pleading to the Powers That Be that this was an isolated incident because I’d really rather not go through the ordeal again (although I’m pretty sure the doctor would waive my co-pay and do future drainings for free based on how enthralled she was the first time around). I’m not sure if there’s a way to prevent this from happening again–I’ve used the same saddle for the past four years without incident and my new bike fit has felt totally fine. I guess that’s just one of the perks of cycling. Lance Armstrong’s taint must look like a kaffir lime.

80 Responses to “ “Crotchfest 2012: “This Sport is Stupid and Gross” Edition”

  1. Mac Morrison says:

    Holy Hell! You are hilarious. I haven’t laughed out loud by myself in front of my computer in a very, very long time. Thank you! BTW, I had to call Teresa today because of a little something, something from CDA camp myself.



    • Rebecca says:

      Consider us even in terms of “TMI storytime.” πŸ˜‰ Hope your nethers are doing alright post-CdA!

    • Dee says:

      OMG-I was just forwarded this by my hubby (a triathlete) because I am always complaining about how sore I am do an there after long bike rides. Fortunately I haven’t developed a cyst yet. I feel for you girl!! I am going to be so much more “aware” of what is going on down there from here on out!

  2. Maggie says:

    I’m a triathlete and a gynecologist. That is the funniest story I have read in a long time. Thanks for a great laugh and I’m in the right profession, too!

  3. katie says:

    You probably don’t want to hear this from a stranger on the internet, but I had a similar mystery lump drained last summer. It was about this much fun, although my doctor was more horrified than excited. Rude.

  4. Cathleen says:

    So hilarious! And I bet Mark’s nickname, Hurricane, will also have a different connotation going forward. Sorry Mark!

  5. Bill Jones says:

    Freaking hilarious! Well, to me, certainly not you.

    Stumbled here via Shoemoney…loved the blog site title. Now I must share this and come back again.

  6. Alexa says:

    Oh man I just burst out laughing. . . I’ve been there done that too and prob need a round of two of therapy from my cyst “removal”

    Thought of you today while swimming at ProClub. Apparently circle swimming to our lane partner = two of us circle swimming while the third member of the lane party swims up and down the same side of the lane. This was after my original lane was stolen by some twit who snuck in while I set my kickboard and buoy down. . . le sigh. Apparently the ProClub premium does not = increased smarts and manners. Such a dbag.

  7. Bryan says:

    I had to leave a comment. First, thanks for being so open.

    Second, holy cow, this was the funniest thing I have read this year!! Love your writing style, and hope the … bump …. is gone for good! best of luck in your training!
    ps. I too found this site from your bio box on shoemoney.

  8. Mary says:

    This made my morning.
    I am nursing two quite sizeable rocks on my poor, sad, old labia as we speak–curtesy of several long training rides last week combined with a half iron ride this weekend in the pouring rain.
    I’m not draining those mofos though. NO WAY. Not after reading this post. I’m just going to keep riding on them until they turn into boulders and my vagina can no longer even fit on my bike seat.

  9. Meredith says:

    Oh my stars! That was hilarious. I hope your training is going better now and you are (mostly) pain free.

  10. so glad it drained for you!

    love this!!!!!

  11. GoSonja says:

    OMG I have to comment. I am training for CDA too and got a saddle sore on my Va-J-J. It was more on the “shell” area of my taco. It was a “boil” for me and got infected. Antibiotics, and my doc numbed my parts with lidocaine which hurt so Fing badly I laid there and sobbed. Then she cut it open, drained it, and then packed the inside of it with gauze. OMG horrible. I was in bed for several days, but 5 days later was back on the bike. I feel your pain!!

  12. F-in hilarious. Took me a half hour to read because I was laughing so hard when I got to the taco, I couldn’t continue. And I could have guess-timated the story line via the cartoons alone. (where do you find this crap???) Hall of Fame of blog posts for sure – I’m not going to miss SUdbury next year just so I can party with you….

  13. Colleen Kingery says:

    This was an absolutely classic post. Thank you for sharing this. πŸ™‚

  14. Veronica B. says:

    In TEARS here, I’m laughing so hard. It was the taco picture that just did me in for good.

    I do feel your pain though – although they refused to lance mine, I too had a hardened blood blister in what I call my “leg-pit” from my saddle (since replaced) developing a wrinkle.

    Luckily a new saddle and a week on my cushy mountain bike saddle (possible since it was a recovery week) cleared it up.

  15. Donna says:

    OMG You tell stories great! I felt like I was there in the room with you. Hilarious! Glad it is, most likely, nothing serious. After giving birth nothing phases me in the crotchal regions — so many passers by I just got over the shock. LOL

  16. lora lee frazier says:

    I had a similar situation. I googled can google anything, btw! It said to apply a warm wet washcloth to the area until the swelling went down or the cyst burst. After a couple of hours sitting with a warm cloth between my legs (which felt pretty nice, πŸ™‚ )It worked and sounds a lot less painful than your situation. Just an fyi for your future problems. No, I’m not a doctor but they don’t always know best.Google is awesome!

    • Rebecca says:

      I had tried heating the area with a heating pad but it was so deeply rooted that it didn’t seem to change things (other than giving me hot crotch).

  17. Nothing important but my VAGINA!! HA!

    This was hilarious. Well not the part about you having a weird lump, but the whole damn thing. Love it. Glad it’s nothing serious. Wondering where I can buy that necklace…

  18. Linda says:

    OMG. That’s hilarious. Sorry about the pain but it really was Hilarious lmao.

    I feel for you though cos I had a similar experience only without the pain – well phyisical pain anyway.
    I went to see a Neurologist about my sleep disorder just for a head check up.
    After a few mins he gets me to take off my trousers and lay on the bed. WTF! Why do I need to get undressed to see a Neurologist? I hadn’t prepared for this mentally or physically (my legs and bikin line were a mess) But we go along with what doc says don’t we!
    So as I’m getting undressed I realise I only have on the skimpiest thong ever going and I’m not the slimmest of people. There’s me trying to get on the bed as ladylike as possible without showing anything while the doc is watching with a pissing smirk on his face. “don’t worry I’ve seen it all before” he says!
    So once I’m on the bed he checks refelexes etc then he gets me to pull my mouth back in a grimace – don’t ask cos I still have no clue why.
    Then he gets me to grimace, stick one leg in the air and hold one arm up too. I died of embarrassment and had given up trying to hide any kind of modesty I had left.
    “yup, everythings fine there” he says ” you can get dressed now”. Honestly I couldn’t get out there quick enough and I struggled to drive home cos myself and SIL were peeing ourselves laughing.

    So I feel for you. lol

    • Rebecca says:

      Uh, that doesn’t sound very medically relevant to your symptoms. I wonder what that doctor’s deal was…

    • Kylie says:

      Your story is setting off some major alarm-bells for me. I would suggest you go back to, or ring up, whichever hospital/clinic/practice this was at and talk to somebody about it if you haven’t already.
      Firstly: watching you undress was seriously unprofessional, the fact that he was smirking is extra disturbing. He should have at least tuned his back, if not left the room.
      Secondly: I agree having you undress at all sounds unnecessary for those tests, unless the clothing was particularly restrictive. And even then there probably should have been a gown provided for you to put on instead.
      Thirdly: I agree that the tests sound odd for a sleep disorder. A head injury or stroke, maybe, but if he suspected it to be other than a sleep disorder he should have spoken to you about it.
      I’ve heard of several cases of people working at clinics/hospitals without any qualifications, and even without actually being hired, and of real doctors behaving in an unprofessional manner. And they often get away with it for some time, because people don’t question it. People trust them and assume that if a doctor asks them to do something it must be necessary, and don’t ask because they don’t want to appear ignorant.
      Best of Luck.

  19. TheQuirkyGlutenFreeRunner/Amy says:

    I’m sorry this happened to you, but your description was quite hilarious.

    Having medical issues with the colon, I totally get, “Great the whole medical facility with MD or residency attached to their names are looking at me”.

    I’ve never heard of a blood blister like that. I was thinking potentially an infected or ingrown hair follicle.

    I had a horrible pain on my back, right where my bra strap rubbed. The third day it was so horrible, I left in the midst of work and went to my MD. she did the same singsongy voice when she was numbing and fixing the cyst. Having no idea what a sebaceous cyst was (and since I couldn’t see it) I shared the info with my boss–an optometrist–who pretty much just gagged ’cause apparently they’re pretty bad.

    I’m sending the story to my hubby with the info of “things you don’t have to worry about because you’re a man” and he’s an endurance cyclist.

    • Lois says:

      go on you-tube and see some video clips of sebaceous cysts being drained. You will understand why your boss gagged.

  20. Melissa says:

    Soo funny. I just went though this. The Dr. I saw would not drain mine. πŸ™ Eventually it drained it’s self. Takes a long time for that fu—– to go away. Thanks for sharing.

  21. Christine says:

    Holy smokes I ride as well and that is the worst vag horror story I’ve heard – thanks for making it funny!

  22. That has to be the most hilarious article I’ve read in a long time! Found it via Google+. Sorry for your pain, but at least its making the world chuckle!

  23. Lilith says:

    Oh. My. God.

    You are awesome. (I’m totally stealing hoonaner.)

  24. Karen says:

    Ah yes, I get those all the time with Ironman training. I just suffer through them. I learned back in 2008 that lancing them didn’t do a bit of good. They just come right back. Have fun! πŸ˜‰ Thanks for the laugh!

  25. Leslie says:

    Oh my GOD.. I can totally relate! I had saddle sores and cysts for a long time and finally managed to find the correct saddle to get rid of them.

    One remedy I found for the swelling (and other upset) was Preparation H — the swelling goes right down and you can ride pretty soon after.

    I wish I had been able to read your post when I was going through this — would have clarified a lot!

  26. Kirstie says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. I could not stop laughing. Hope your poon is better! πŸ˜€

  27. Chris says:

    Thanks for this. As former marathoner and a recreational triathlete, I get this and the weird things that happen to us. I love that you insisted on having it taken care of, due to training! Now, I want you to go out and find yourself a gynecologist…..

    • Rebecca says:

      Haha, I had my annual checkup today and when I told the doctor about Drainfest, she cringed and said, “Wow, that must not have felt good.” She seemed to have a more appropriately normal reaction to my situation than the giddy gyno.

  28. CLAM says:

    Ouch! Sounds painful! You should’ve
    asked for the red stuff, just to see
    if the giddy gyno would be sad.

  29. Debbie says:

    This is the funniest thing I have read in months. You should make a fan page on FB, I’d follow it πŸ™‚

  30. Mike says:

    Just about same thing happened to me last year about 10 days before IM Texas. Had it drained as well but it still hurt like hell. My doctor lives close to my house and on the way to the start. On race morning I stopped at his house at 4:30am and he gave me a shot of Lidocaine right in the nut sack. Not fun but I did have my fastest ever IM bike split. I’m not sure I move once in the saddle that day. I was rock solid. Felt nothing.

  31. Rachel says:

    Never have I been so glad that my doc is a cyclist. I would have gotten a lecture on saddle fit, which I normally find incredibly annoying, but now I’m just grateful.

    Glad it drained, and I hope it doesn’t come back.

  32. Theia says:

    Holy hell, that was funny. So glad it was taken care of!

  33. Ted Danson says:

    β€œJust kidding! You just got vag punked!”

    HA HA HA – thanks so much for the laugh.

    Cheers ~ ted

  34. Tinga says:

    Don’t you just hate it when your doc says “Don’t worry, it’s not that bad. You’re just gonna feel a slight pinch.” YEAH RIGHT! You get over here and you’ll feel a slight effing pinch too, Doc!”
    Got one of those on the trainer when working off some anger issues. Paid dearly! Hope everything is fine from now on. Maybe adjust your chamois a bit?

  35. Adam says:

    This seems to be a common reaction with docs and cyst draining. My wife had a doozy on her inner leg and as the doctor lady was outlining treatment options, her eyes got big as saucers and she started nodding emphatically as she presented the “or we could try to drain it” bit. Also: switch to DZNuts chamois cream. I haven’t had a saddle sore in two years since switching.

  36. christine says:

    Without a doubt one of the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks. Thanks for making me snort water onto the keyboard.

  37. Liz says:

    I just shot V8 juice out my nose reading that. love your style. come play with my in Vancouver, I like to laugh. I think I’ll add, “Did my vagina just solve a Rubik’s Cube?” to my list of funny things to think about during Ironman Canada this year.

  38. Poop says:

    OH MY GOODNESS! About 75% of this relates to me! About a month or two ago, I had a cyst developing down there and had to have a gynecologist suck the life out of it. They injected that place with anesthesia so it wouldn’t hurt (though the injection hurt like hell… and when they squeezed out the pus it was seriously worse than hell). But seriously. I can totally relate. In a way I’m glad that I’m the only one who had the experience of having two gynecologists (mine was female but the colleague was an old man) chatting in front of that area lol.
    But yeah, let’s just hope that this doesn’t ever happen to us again…

  39. Melody says:

    Oh Geez…I remember I got a cyst in my eye lid while on a cruise…Not fun. The cruise doctor did that same thing with a needle but to my eye lid lol. I don’t know why it seems like doctor’s have so much fun getting rid of cysts. This doctor was twisting the needle around and talking about the time his daughter got a cyst and rubbed a ring against her eyelid…and it went away in a couple of days.

  40. wendi says:

    Oh my god!!! I could not laugh until I got to the end although you are hysterical. All I could think of was PAIN!!!!

    I would never gotten on a bike again. Actually, I tried riding to get in shape and switched to a recumbent bike immediately.

    I can’t believe you went through that. You poor woman!

  41. Jen says:

    Hilarious!!! I loved it. Thanks for sharing.

  42. NLG says:

    I was nearly crippled with laughter over this post. Thank you for sharing your story with others.

    I had a similar problem that started out small and kept getting bigger. Fortunately mine didn’t get really bad until after Ironman Canada. I got my Bartholin cyct or “lady testicle” marsupialised (not the nicest term), which is a surgery whereby they don’t so much remove the gland (as it would leave a deep tissue divet), but leave a large hole in the gland so that the problem won’t reoccur.

    Strange that your gynecologists didn’t recognize it. My GP had it diagnosed immediately and had me in for surgery the next day (in Canada). The intern and resident that saw me just before the surgeon and they knew what it was and were really gracious and subtle with their “inspection.” The nurses all knew what it was and were fantastic. Our Health Region got a 10/10.

    It was my first surgery and I was running again in 2 days. I wasn’t biking for a couple weeks, so draining might have been a much better choice for your circumstances.

    In the spring, I went to a Bike Camp and sat in the saddle nearly every day for a week and no problems.

  43. cs312 says:

    I had the same situation happen but it was with a pilonidal cyst on the top of my butt crack. I had 2 female doctors poking and prodding trying to decide if I need surgery while I’m bent over the exam table with my hairy man ass under the scrutiny of the exam light.

    They were very intrigued as I was breaking one of the doctor’s ass cysts cherry.

  44. H says:

    This is hilarious! I do hope you feel better soon. Your story reminded me of a time that I went to the doctor for a cold and he was totally ho-hum the whole time, until the end of the appointment when I was like, “Um.. I kind of have an.. ulcer or something.. on my tongue,” and his face LIT UP! He was like, “Oh REALLY?! Let’s take a look!!!” Sadistic doctors..

  45. Grant says:

    “Did my vagina just solve a Rubik’s Cube?”

    I just shot coffee out of my nose.

    • J.M. says:


      So glad The Oatmeal had this on his Bear Food website. Will now go looking for the subscribe button, Rebecca.

  46. Char says:

    LMAO, I had one of those whilst on a beach vacation! The damn thing burst while I was walking through the Pittsburgh airport with white capris on. Good Times!!

  47. Melissa says:

    Best post EVER!! Laughing SO hard.

  48. dawnkeyotie says:

    Must share that this happened to me, too. When I went to, I actually heard the doctor and nurse whispering in the hall that they did “NOT want to end their day with this sort of thing and WHY couldn’t I have gone to my gynecologist?” I want your Doctor, sad as it may be. Thanks for sharing – made me laugh really hard (but I had to tell my husband “nothing” when he asked what was so funny).

  49. JagerBaBomb says:

    Well, at least you went and got your situation professionally handled.


    I had a similar incident but, in my case, it appeared near the back door so to speak. Like, right next to it. Very uncomfortable. And it, too, was hard and quite noticeable. Made sitting of any kind a pain.

    You know, I really probably should have gone to the doctor like you did. But instead, I just squeezed and squeezed with all my might until that thing up and exploded, with all the same icky dark reddish stuff like what you described coming out. Quite disturbing, really.

    Anyway, this is apparently somewhat of a common occurrence!

  50. ray-ray says:

    Been there done that in1987, no fun : (

  51. Bevmost says:

    Thank you! Best gyno and best cycle post ever!

  52. Madhu says:

    Freakin’ fabulous post. Sorry about your goonie bits. A story well told.

  53. Amanda says:

    I am going through the EXACT same thing! I have an appointment with my doc that I had to beg for today!! I hope my day isn’t as bad as yours. I already did a half ironman this past Saturday and I was crying the whole time because of the “visitor.” Thanks for making me laugh! πŸ™‚

  54. Brian says:

    Did you really refer to Lance Armstrong’s taint?

  55. Nicole says:

    Awesome! This was hilarious!! Thanks for making me feel normal. I had the SAME damn thing a week before my first IM.

  56. Sarah says:

    I had one of these! Not from bike riding, I think it might have been friction from running or something. My doctor got me to soak in the tub to drain it. I was supposed to do five times a day but just once for half an hour helped, it was gone after a few days (otherwise they would have drained it, which sounded more painful than something I’d want to do).

    So if it happens again you might want to try that first… unless you want more funny doctor stories. πŸ™‚

  57. neko says:

    Reading this waiting for my Dr. Apt. With a lump I’m my labia. Thanks for the laugh. Now I’m freaking out. πŸ™‚

  58. Fry ion says:

    That Indiana Jones picture gave me LIFE!!! πŸ˜€

  59. RR says:

    omg. Your blog is brilliant and makes me laugh. I am recovering from lyme disease and always feeling bad. Thank you for the laughs! I love your blog!

  60. Kebby says:

    oh my gosh. This is too real and funny! Vag punked! Ok but seriously, this is why we made a totally seam free chamois. Too many women are wounded! Can I send one to you on the house to try? Out hashtag for it is #noangrykitty. Either way, thanks so much for your great posts!!!

  61. Lisa says:

    I am absolutely writhing with laughter while reading this at the kitchen table! You have such a witty way with words. Here’s to recovery!!

  62. K says:

    Oh my thanks for sharing this! I’m an English horseback rider who probably needs a new saddle fit and who went bike riding twice that day after it was already irritated…
    I feel much better about my situation now XD
    It’s the 2nd day of it being there so I might go see a doc.

  63. Cathy C says:

    OMG, I realize this is 4 years after the fact. But this is what comes up when you google: ‘occlusion cyst on labia after bike ride’; who would have thought you could punch a sentence like that into a machine and get such a hilarious (but informative) response. I am a novice rider that got a little overzealous (3 bike rides in a week) and developed this son of a painful gun ‘down there’. Have a trip to NY planned in a week; going to try the non-invasive treatment first. You are braver than I am; draining with a needle? Wow.

  64. Bonnie says:

    Did this ever return after the initial draining?

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