Please Don’t Talk to Me When You’re Naked

Please Don’t Talk to Me When You’re Naked

Despite blogging candidly about my crotch and readily peeing myself in public, I’m actually a somewhat modest person, especially when it comes to nudity. In high school P.E. I would marvel at the girls who’d casually stroll around the locker room buck naked while I awkwardly tried to shimmy my clothes on from under a poncho-sized shirt I’d stolen from one of my older brothers. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against nudity; I just prefer to keep my shit covered up to everyone who’s not my doctor or my boyfriend because the general public doesn’t need to see my intimate bits.

Nowadays I’ve gotten pretty skilled at slipping out of a wet swimsuit or soggy exercise clothes and into a dry outfit without exposing a nip or a pube or a crack. I know other women are comfortable flaunting their goods and I don’t fault them for it; I just keep my head down and mind my own business, focusing on getting in and out of the locker room as innocuously as possible…

…unless someone takes it upon herself to strike up a conversation with me while her chesticles are out and her unkempt pubes are exposed to the elements. That’s when things get a little awkward. Because you know what? If you’re naked and you’re talking to me, I’m gonna stare at your netherparts. How can I not? You’re freaking naked, for crying out loud, and you’re talking to me about the weather and how Ballard has a really good farmer’s market while I try not to gawk at your bare boobies. It’s human nature to stare at something that’s out of the ordinary, and a nude person chatting me up while she’s applying lotion to her ashy elbows qualifies as being a bit on the “abnormal” side of things.

Take this most recent encounter. Yesterday I went to the Y to do a swim workout. I plodded towards the showers for a pre-swim rinse off and noticed a woman who was about my age engaged in a post-workout cleanse. (Random aside: the Y’s shower room has a row of exposed shower heads as well as a set of private shower stalls on the opposite side of the room. Why, if you get to choose between a set of public showers and one of the private stalls that each have a curtain and a little bench, would you willingly opt for an exposed shower? Is it a voyeurism thing? Or do you just have no fucks to give? Because I personally would rather suds up my butthole in relative privacy vs. doing it in front of a bunch of people.)

She was naked, obviously, gettin’ her scrub on. I quickly glanced at her when I entered the room before looking away because I didn’t want to stare at her ridiculously huge knockers. (I mean seriously, these beasts were like wrecking balls with nipples attached.) I fumbled with a nearby shower faucet and began my quick rinse.

And then:

Titty McHugeBoobs: “Where do you swim outside?”

Oh god. No. Don’t do this.

Me, staring at the farthest corner of the room: “Hmm?” Maybe she wasn’t talking to me. Maybe she was…talking to herself? I dunno. I just hoped she wasn’t trying to get a very clothed me to talk to a very nude her.

Titty McHugeBoobs: “Where do you swim outside?” Damnit.

I shot a brief glance back at her and my eyes tractor-beamed back to her gigantic fun bags before I forced them to pull their gaze up towards her face. She was staring at me while sudsing her crotch. (It sounds erotic but it was not, I assure you.)

Figuring she was curious about my Everlasting Gobstopper of a tan, I said (to my feet), “Oh, well, I did a race in Costa Rica and another race in Hawaii, so that’s why I’m so dark.”

TMcHB: “Oh! Hawaii! How fun!” She bent down to start washing her knees, her mammaries swaying like fleshy pendulums.

My brain: “Goddamnit, eyes, stop looking at her tits! Look anywhere else! ANYWHERE!!”

My eyes: “You got it, boss!” *immediately flick gaze to her crotch, which resembled a wet sheep dog*

Use your imagination.

My brain: “Oh for crying out loud…”

TMcHB: “Where was your race?”

Me, suddenly extremely fascinated with the shower dial: “Uh, the big island.”

TMcHB: “Oh, cool!” She began scrubbing her armpits, her tatas threatening to swing around her back and smack into each other, creating a sonic boom (boob?) that would knock me off my feet. “My husband and I went to Maui recently. I thought about doing a half marathon in Hawaii but it starts at like 5 am! I mean, geez!”

Me, turning the shower off and staring longingly at the exit to the pool: “Yeah, it gets really hot there…”


Me: “Yep…” This woman’s breasts will forever be etched in my mind. I now know them better than my own.

There was a brief lull in the conversation as she paused to re-suds her loofah, which I took as an opportunity to bolt towards the pool. “Welphaveagoodone.” My prison break was successful, and for once I was thankful to breathe in the hot chlorinated air stifling the large pool area.

(In case you were having problems visualizing the least-erotic, most awkward shower encounter between two young women imaginable, I recreated it via this Photoshop drawing:)

100% accurate.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe every other woman on this planet (and man, too, for all I know–Jason has said that old men enjoy having saggy naked time in the locker rooms, too) enjoys chatting with her peers while completely nude, washing every wrinkly nook and cranny while discussing how nice it is that grocery stores can stock liquor now. Maybe I’m the weird one because I don’t particularly like partaking in conversations while my clam’s exposed…

If that’s the case, so be it. I don’t like being naked in front of people and I don’t like naked people talking to me, so if you’re thinking of striking up a convo with me while you’re bent over with your leather Cheerio thrust up towards the ceiling, please grant me the courtesy of throwing on a pair of pants and a bra before chatting me up. Because contrary to what you may think, I assure you that I don’t want to see any of that.

33 Responses to “ “Please Don’t Talk to Me When You’re Naked”

  1. Chris Hooley says:

    OMFG at least in the girl’s locker room you have girls doing this to you. Imagine your oldest, and most wrinkly, pedophile-ish relative or family friend walking around doing naked lunge stretches and striking up conversation with every guy between the ages of 16 to 40, and the weights of 125 to 225.

    And sometimes they’re completely naked except they leave on their shoes, socks, and headbands. Clearly the naked-ness is more intentional than not.

    And old men have GROSS SAGGY BALLS and deformed weeners. And they love to show it.

    I never understood why they loved walking around naked and chatting dudes up. Always assumed they were very very gay.

    • Rebecca says:

      I lost it at “deformed weeners.”

    • Stephanie says:

      I’m laughing so hard I’m crying- first at the blog post and now this comment. LOL! Guess I’m glad to be a girl! πŸ˜‰

    • Anne says:

      Spit diet coke with “deformed weeners.” My husband regularly comes home from the Y complaining about the naked dudes chatting it up and doing squats in the locker room. He almost threw up telling me about a locker room lurker standing buck nekkid in front of a locker shaving his chest.

  2. Sean Maguire says:

    “leather Cheerio”. That’s when I lost it. I mean, I lost it earlier, but that’s when I completely lost it.

    Anyway, totally disgusting story and I can completely empathize. What time does she work out?

  3. Molly says:

    I’m sorry, I’m still laughing that you used a wet beardie in that photo…I’ll never look at my dogs again without thinking of crotches πŸ™‚

    I totally get what you mean though…the ones running around STAYING naked instead of changing are usually the chatty ones!

  4. Torry says:

    OMG — I totally blew a smoothie thru my nose on the leather cheerio. Thanks for that visual!!

  5. Leather…cheerio…

  6. Godhammer says:

    Thanks for the flashback to a hot springs horror show. My memory is foggy on this — finally hit the right spot in my brain with a pair of titanium scissors — but there was a much-recommended “cave” which was in fact a winding, one-lane “tunnel” and apparently the appendage “of love” was assumed by most of the dudes in there.

    I had swimming trunks on, and this clearly destroyed my own experience. Others cavorted around against oncoming traffic with tenders flapping and swaying, giddy in the steamy confines.

    Never before have I seen such a varied display of manfros, withered wineskins, skunk-tail cracks, cinnamon rings, foreskin tattoos, and, duh, sandals.

    Because who wants to be naked in an inescapable tunnel of love?

    I’d like to thank the gentleman in cavern 47.b.9 for his long-term consideration of others in his ravaging of many a buffet; the third roll of his abdomen provided a pale, deeply-veined, and stretch etched — but effective! — genitalia hangover.

    First prize to the older man with rubber skin. I hope to never again see a scrotum pulled away from him; summery dashboard taffy pinched with all fingers of both hands. If you’ve never seen a flying squirrel with hair plugs and a couple fuel pods bulging from under the fuselage, you won’t really understand.

    Ten bucks and a pair of flip-flops says he had a lace-up leather Cheerio, but there was no room to circle for a full inspection.

  7. hahahahahahahaha

    do yo go to my y ???? lol

    leather cheerio.

  8. Mary says:

    Clearly you haven’t showered in the locker room at Harvard U, Cambridge MA (no, didn’t go there… I’m talking post-Masters practice.) Think Cambridge moms…. open shower, 20 woman who have never shaved in their lives chatting it up like they are in a local coffee shop.
    First time I went to shower there after practice I was scarred completely. I will never be the same. 40 tits of all shapes and sizes swinging everywhere, and armpit and pubic hair wet, overly abundant and stretching, wetly, to the floor, as everyone chatted casually about — ? I don’t even know what. I was too overwhelmed to listen.

  9. Karyn says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but have never commented before (even though I can totally relate to like 99.9% of your posts) but today, well, I just have to say ~ F’ing BRILLIANT!

    I am still laughing (I even snorted)… and I’m at work. Thankfully my co-workers enjoy a good β€œawkward naked locker room” story.

    Thanks so much for a great laugh.

  10. Stephanie says:

    Had me in tears- so glad a friend pointed me in this direction. Just starting to get fit and am about to join a gym- note to self: go home sweaty. πŸ™‚

  11. Beth says:

    oh my gosh – i about wet my pants reading this entry. there should be no talking when you are naked…just nods hello if anything. πŸ™‚

  12. Nikki says:

    Someone read my post (below) on my FB and pointed me to your blog … I think we are living parallel lives!


    Caveat: I love women’s bodies…they are beautiful….I am not a prude. I value wisdom and treasure learned knowledge in our seniors BUT…….

    Dear ladies;

    It has taken me more than a year to be ok with your change room etiquette and by ok, I mean not to running, screaming back through the doors whilst clawing my eyes out yelling “I will NEVER be one of you!!!!”

    I have forgiven you your non-stop diatribes about your cousin’s husband’s sister’s neighbour’s boil that got lanced incorrectly and how the ensuing infection affected the Bocci Ball tournament; I have forgiven you the fact that NONE of you have personal zones and therefore have no regard for the PERSONAL SPACE BUBBLE! There IS a bubble – ESPECIALLY in a CHANGE ROOM and more importantly…. WHEN YOU are NAKED and I am NOT!….but yes, I looked past these indiscretions and tried to believe this is the calm, comfortableness one acquires in their own, wrinkled, sagging, withered skin.

    I skip past the times you stand in your bold nudity, drying your inner thighs while clearly blocking all paths through the locker area, forcing me to breath slowly & convince myself that this is no Granny conspiracy theory to make me lose my lunch.

    Yes, I have watched you straddle the wooden bench – NAKED, put your entire FACE on prior to putting on clothes, and fight the losing battle with pantyhose…PANTYHOSE!?! WTF? WHEN YOU ARE WET? HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING in your 98 years on this planet. But I digress….

    Today, I can not forgive you as I know I will have difficulty sleeping tonight (and I treasure my sleep) after turning the corner in to, what I thought was the SAFE ZONE ie: bathrooms….to find you GERTRUDE….. having hopped out of your scooter NAKED, miraculously having lifted your ENTIRE right leg onto the counter NAKED so you can rub lotion NAKED on an obvious LOST CAUSE! I was THIS close to geezer junk! If I found the chlorine room I would have dipped my face in it to stop the pain. THIS HAS GOT TO STOP PEOPLE! Where is your DECENCY? Your DIGNITY? Your PRIDE? Your MUSCLE TONE?

    So, in closing, please note that I will forevermore arrive IN my swimsuit wearing my GOGGLES directly from the street which shall blur my view. I shall simply barge my way through (like you do) and swim my swim. We will NEVER speak, make eye contact or share a personal bubble space again.

    Yours in discretion,
    Nikki Jomha

  13. Diana says:

    hilarious story, but the graphic of you with your seven-layer tan lines and number tattoo is priceless. . .

  14. Janel says:

    OMG – I about wet my pants laughing. And thinking about what goes on in the women’s locker room here in France.
    If you want privacy and intimacy in the women’s locker room DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT come to France. While I can dealing with walking around naked and talking to other naked women … I have yet to get used to greeting my very naked friends with cheek kisses when I arrive in the locker room while they are in the midst of changing.

  15. Scott says:

    Pics or it didn’t happen.

  16. Bay says:

    OMG this happened to me, but worse… A friend pointed me to your blog. Read this, it’ll make you feel better:

  17. Nanna says:

    I’m all for private showers. Who wants others to see what gravity has done over the years?

  18. Adrian says:

    Ah-hahahaha! Awesome.

    Yeah this goes on, and worse, in the men’s locker room. Old “funny uncle” wrinkled malnourished stick dude, and yet somehow sporting a big beer belly, shaving buck naked at the sink with his dingdong dragging across the sink porcelain.

    Same – seriously they xerox these guys somewhere because every pool has at least 3 of them at any one time, breathing like Darth Vader (yes really) taking 30 minute showers – a cover for checking out everyone else in the locker room no doubt.

    Same – yeah xerox machine again, walking through the gaggle of kids in the shallow end, back and forth and forth and back, wearing leopard print speedos. I think they were Speedos – his belly covered up the logo.


  19. Jeremy says:

    Hi, Rebecca. I can’t recall who forwarded me a link to Crotchfest 2012 (bout a month ago), but I immediately started from the beginning to get the whole picture.

    This story had me crying and snorting uncontrollably, much to my office mate’s amusement. LOVE your writing style and humor!

    If you ever race in the DFW area, please let me buy you and Jas a beer!

    And keep on blogging! Love it!


    • Rebecca says:

      Thanks! I’m glad you like my blog. Forgive me for being totally stupid, but DFW = ? Dallas/Fort Worth? I’m actually going there for work at the end of September (no racing since it’ll be after Ironman Canada) but maybe one of these days I’ll do a race in the Lone Star State. πŸ™‚

  20. kathy says:

    I guess I’m your only senior citizen who reads your blog, but honey, once you get to our age, nekkid just don’t matter. Life’s too short to be worried about being nekkid. Also, after you’ve popped out a handful of kids (which means you will Never Be Alone in the Bathroom until they hit puberty) you’ll wonder what this new fangled concept of “modesty” the young hipsters are all moaning and groaning about means, but you’ll be too busy to care. πŸ™‚

    • Rebecca says:

      Like I said, I don’t care if people get naked around me. The issue is when you try to have a conversation with me when your junk’s all out. DO NOT ENGAGE. It’s awkward.

  21. Samantha says:

    My Middle School (Grades 6 through 8) and my High School (Grades 9 through 12) required all students to shower after each and every gym class. And it was a big open shower room with zero privacy, all of the girls showering in front of each other. So everyone was pretty used to seeing each other nude. But with that said, I couldn’t believe how many of the girls acted like it would be a crime for them to cover up after showering. I’m talking girls standing around totally nude gossiping and doing their makeup and blow drying their hair without a single stitch on.

    My 14 year old daughter is in her first year of High School right now. Her school has private stalls in the locker rooms, but she says that about half of the girls still walk around nude like it’s nothing at all.

    My gym that I go to now has one private shower stall in the women’s locker room with the rest of the showers all being out in the open like my schools had when I was a teen. I got used to the nude group showering thing in school, so now if the private stall is occupied I’m able to take the shower out in the open showers with the other women, but I prefer to use the stall when it’s available.

    I can’t believe that that woman was choosing to stand there naked and initiate a conversation with you. I would only be comfortable enough to do that with my daughter, my mother or my sisters. I don’t even stand there naked while talking to my husband.

  22. Jason says:

    There is a guy about my age (mid thirties) that does the same exact thing at my locker room. We don’t have the choice of private shower stalls (they’re all open) but he definitely seems to enjoy the set up and “showing off”. Most guys will face the wall as they shower but this guy makes a point to stand with his back to the shower head, fully exposed the entire time he’s in there. And he’ll chat up pretty much every person that comes into the shower room. I think he does it just to make sure everyone knows he has probably the largest penis I’ve seen in my life swinging away between his legs. It literally reminds me of an elephant’s trunk everytime I see the thing. Lol . I try not to look but it’s kinda hard not to when you see something so out of the ordinary.

  23. Melissa says:

    Oh, wow, you would have hated the job that I had during my two years in community college!

    I had a part time job at the community college that I attended at ages 18 and 19. My job was to check student ID’s and guest passes at the colleges pool before anyone was allowed to use the pool.

    At first I was stationed at a desk outside of the locker rooms in the hallway. But after a number of lockers were broken into in the locker rooms, the college decided to station me inside the women’s locker room and a man was stationed inside of the men’s locker room so that we could check ID’s in there while also keeping an eye on things inside to make sure that no lockers were broken into.

    The locker room was very wide open, unless someone were to go into a toilet stall, they were changing in and out of their swimsuit in plain site of anyone in the locker room at the time.

    The showers were all on polls with 4 shower heads on each poll, there were 6 shower polls in total.
    My desk was stationed facing the showers,which was not by my choosing.

    I would always do my best to not stare at anyone while they were changing or showering. However, I was amazed at how many women and girls would choose to strike up conversations with me while they showered.
    If there were large groups of people showering there, then maybe no-one would be talking to me while they showered? But if it was only one woman showering at a time, or maybe only two to four women showering at a time, they almost always felt the need to carry on a conversation with me during their entire shower.
    And probably 85% of the women and girls showered buck naked.

    To make matters even worse, I would see numerous women that I knew from outside of the college. During those two years my next-door-neighbor and her two teen daughters were regulars at the pool. A former high school teacher of mine swam there on a few occasions, as well as two of my then current professors, my best friends mother, my boyfriends mother, a co-worker of my mom’s, several former classmates from high school and several then current classmates from the college.

    All of then buck naked and carrying on conversations with me while they showered.

    On the bright side, I became immune to it after about the first week.

    I kind of envied how they could stand there naked and showering and speaking to strangers and not give a damn. It was actually pretty impressive on their part.

    I can do a quick change in and out of a swimsuit in front of other women, but I can’t do the standing around naked conversing with strangers thing.

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